Twenty [gay] Questions

Why do you worship Mary? I heard questions like this when I was a missionary fairly regularly, and while these were sometimes asked in good faith, other people seemed to ask them out of willful ignorance, almost goading me to defend Catholicism. As Catholics, we get the impact that a good (or bad) question can have on a conversation. Questions are a key way we connect with people and build relationships, and how we ask them is essential to fostering mutual trust. Imagine instead someone asked What makes Mary so important to Catholics? It would probably facilitate a different, less defensive exchange. We can bring this same attitude to our interactions with the LGBTQ community and people who experience same-sex attractions or gender dysphoria.

Sometimes, we need to know how to ask questions; other times, we just need to know what questions we can ask. Today’s post is the latter. I decided to reach out to my friends across the country and ask for the best and worst questions they’ve been asked, and as I read through their responses, two major themes emerged. First, while there might be common threads in people’s stories, each person is unique, and it’s better to ask than assume. Second, it’s okay to ask questions. If someone shares a facet of their life with you, it’s normal to ask about it in the future. And if you’re ever wondering whether you should or shouldn’t ask a question, consider this: Is the question going to help me get to know the person and their story better? Does this question match how close we are as friends? 

Happy question-asking, and I hope one of those not-so-good questions will make you laugh. And yes, all of these are real questions people have been asked.

Good Questions to Ask:

• What do you do for fun? [We do more than watch RuPaul’s Drag Race and go to gay bars]

• How did you decide to come out? When did you decide to come out?

• How out are you? Have you shared this with many people? [This a helpful question to make sure you don’t share details about someone’s life without their permission]

• Where are you at with the Catholic Church? [Just because someone comes out doesn’t mean that they’ve left or plan to leave the Catholic Church]

• What are your pronouns? What is your preferred name? [I’ll cover this in more detail in another post, but using pronouns and preferred names is a great way to respect where someone’s at and build a relationship]

• Are you in a relationship? Is that something you want? [Not everyone wants to date. And in the words of my friend: Ask this before setting us up with your co-worker that we probably aren’t attracted to]

• Does your [gay/queer/non-hetero/etc.] identity color how you experience the world? How so?

• How has this part of you [LGBTQ, SSA, GD] impacted your faith?

• What have you learned about yourself as a queer person?

• What are things that Catholics say and do that are hurtful?

• How are you doing?

• How are things with your family?

• How can I support you right now?

Not-So-Good Questions You probably shouldn’t Ask:

• What procedures have you had?

• When you get married, would you be…you know…the wife? Or Who’s the woman in the relationship? [What you just said: Tell me about your sex life]

• How do you know you don’t like women [or men] if you haven’t been with one or dated one?

• How do you live with knowing you’re going to hell forever?

• Oh, you’re gay? How come you’ve never hit on me?

• You’re gay; will you be my gay best friend? [That’s a highly selective process]

• Are you gay? [Remember, it is their decision to come out, not yours]

• Why are queer people so promiscuous? Are you sleeping with anyone?

• Do you agree with the Catholic Church? [This is an okay question, but it shouldn’t be your first response when someone comes out to you. That’s happened to me]

• Why did you choose this?

• [Context, this individual uses they/them pronouns] Should I call you a salesperson, or would it be salespeople since your pronouns are plural?

And for those counting yes, there are more than 20 questions.