The Theology of Coming Out

Catholicism stifles her children by discouraging them from coming out. It is a process that is not fundamentally about identifying with sin but has parallels with a foundational practice of self-knowledge promoted by mystics through the centuries. If we examine coming out through this lens, then the widespread approval of coming out from modern Psychology doesn’t have to be at odds with Catholicism’s current trend to discourage the practice. From a spiritual perspective, it becomes an act of honesty, vulnerability, and humility when we can see ourselves for who we are. Coming out isn’t a practice contrary to Church teaching but a practice rooted in it.

Self-knowledge might seem like a new-age phrase, but it is a mindset deeply rooted in the Catholic spiritual life. Think of practices like the Confiteor at the start of mass, an examination of conscience, and many meditations from St. Ignatius of Loyola’s Spiritual Exercises. These are practices of recognizing what we have and haven’t done, and many help us wrestle with and come to a renewed understanding of identity. Even the great mystic St. Teresa of Avila wrote, Knowing ourselves is something so important that I wouldn’t want any relaxation ever in this regard, however high you may have climbed to the heavens. Knowing ourselves isn’t some new practice to the Church; it’s so ingrained in our actions that we don’t recognize it. Self-knowledge is also essential to the process of coming out.

While some individuals will state that they just always knew who they were attracted to, for others, it takes time, reflection, conversation, and experience to know with certainty their sexual orientation. This is more than just raw sexual attraction; this is coming to recognize a foundational experience of emotional connection with another human. It is typically only after reflecting on experiences in friendship, relationships, and the longing in one’s heart that an individual can say—with certainty—what their sexual orientation is. And this is essential because if someone pursues any vocation, especially marriage, the individual needs to know that they are free to discern and can fully give themselves to that vocation.

Once an individual recognizes this part about themselves, it becomes a question of what to do with this information. In every instance, coming out is sharing this self-knowledge with real people—friends and family. It’s not primarily about the social media posts. But Catholicism and Psychology provide two opposing views. The Church states quite firmly that general public self-disclosures [of one’s sexual orientation] are not helpful and should not be encouraged. In contrast, Psychology states that integrating it [one’s sexual orientation] into one’s life fosters greater well-being and mental health. Both want people to flourish, yet have come to opposite conclusions. From my experience following these pieces of advice in different seasons, I know with surety which led to flourishing.

In college, I began discussing my same-sex attractions with spiritual directors. But the consistent advice I received from priests, religious, and lay people alike, was clear: don’t come out. The words that come to mind from these conversations are: This is such a small part of who you are, Justin. You don’t need to make this a bigger deal than it is. Prominent books and speakers like Father Mike Schmitz furthered this rhetoric. So, I kept this part of myself hidden from my family and, with few exceptions, my friends, but I don’t look back at this time with a sense of freedom. For years, I lived in constant fear of slipping up, of saying something that would reveal what I was struggling to hide. The more I tried to suppress this part of myself, the more it consumed me. It was only when I had to finally reckon with my attractions that I realized I couldn’t live in this divided state. Coming out was about finding peace and living with integrity.

This happened when I fell in love with a guy for the first time. I could no longer pretend I would fall in love with a woman and be happy. So, at 25, I had to come to terms with these attractions that I’d been trying to “overcome” for over a decade. The practice of coming out wasn’t about a political statement or wanting to inform my social circle of my preferred style of sex. It was an act of honesty, and it remains a consistent part of my life as I get to know people because this is just part of who I am and how I move through the world. The experience of these attractions is not sinful; it’s just part of how God made me, and the theologians can argue here whether that was in God’s active or passive will.

Coming out has impacted all parts of my life, and overall, for the good. In my spiritual life, I feel like I’ve finally let God see and love all of who I am. It’s allowed me to look honestly at the desires of my heart and discern what vocation I believe I’m called to. It prompted me to seek out amazing support through counseling and became the catalyst for forming my best friendships. This isn’t to make it sound like coming out fixed every aspect of my life; rather, coming out challenged me to be honest with myself, with others, and with God, and this honesty has fostered a community and sense of support that I will forever be grateful for. But I only experienced this when I let Psychology speak for my emotional health and Catholicism for my spiritual health.

Catholicism and Psychology want the same thing—what is best for the individual. But Catholicism gets tripped up when it forgets that experiencing same-sex attractions is not in itself sinful. By discouraging these disclosures, the Church may believe it is protecting individuals from oversharing or focusing too much on their sexuality. But this stance overlooks the personal, relational, and emotional benefits of honesty about one’s identity, especially within a community of trust and support. Sharing one’s sexual orientation with others isn’t an identification with sin but rather a necessary act of vulnerability, essential for building healthy relationships with others and with God.

We know that grace builds on nature, and comparing my time before and after coming out, I can say with certainty that sharing that I’m gay with others has brought about beautiful connections with others and deepened my relationship with God. Self-knowledge is a foundational piece of the spiritual life, and if we can’t own our experiences, then we can’t allow the mercy of God to impact our lives. I pray and hope the Church would see coming out as an act of honesty that promotes human flourishing at all levels. I know it can be hard to be on the receiving end of someone coming out, but in that moment, I challenge you to set aside your own sadness, fears, or anxieties and focus on the human in front of you. Know that the person coming out has been thinking about this much longer than you have, is simply being honest about their experience, and is looking for connection. Coming out is an invitation to deeper friendship. How will you respond?

For anyone wondering whether or not they should come out, I say it is entirely your choice. Do so if it is safe, would help you build connection, and would bring you peace.

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