Parents of LGBTQ+ Kids Deserve Love, Not Judgment
- Justin
- Oct 21, 2024
- 5 min read
Updated: Mar 30
I accidentally outed my parents this year. Back in March, my then-boyfriend posted a picture of us on Facebook. While I’m out and active on Instagram, I rarely post on Facebook where I’m friends with many of my parents friends. So when a family member asked my parents about my new relationship, they were shocked. Not only had I not told them about the post, but I hadn’t even mentioned the relationship. They were hurt that I hadn’t shared the news with them and worried about how their friends might respond as this part of their life that was relatively private was suddenly thrust into public view.
Parents of queer children share many of the same fears as their children when it comes to being outed. There’s the fear of what people will say and whether people will reject them. But there’s the added layer of the inner critic who says that if they’d just done things differently, their child wouldn’t have ended up [gay, bisexual, transgender, same-sex attracted] or would’ve remained Catholic. There is a particular need to change how we approach this topic as a church to love better and support parents of queer children.
Parenting Styles Don’t Cause Kids to Be Gay
One of the biggest narratives I’ve heard from my parents and many others is this fear that they somehow caused their child to be LGBTQ+. And this shouldn’t surprise us. Prominent organizations like the Knights of Columbus have promoted ideas that parenting styles contribute to a child’s sexuality, but this has been decidedly disproven. Knowing this, though, doesn’t assuage those fears.
If you find out your friend’s child is queer, it’s entirely unhelpful to comment on why their child might be gay or bisexual or transgender. It is helpful to remind them of the incredible parent they have been and how they have loved and supported their child through the years. These parents might also need time to mourn and process what this means for their family’s future.
Hold Space for Parents to Grieve
Supporting parents of queer children also involves holding space to let them grieve. While children have often had years to accept and reflect on their identity, parents may feel blindsided when their child comes out. It can feel like you are meeting a new person, and there’s often a need to let go of the life you hoped your child would live.
It may be mourning the loss of future grandchildren or the loss of attending your child’s wedding; there may be fear around the stigma your child may face or fears for their physical health. You may grieve the loss of going to mass as a family if your child feels angry at or harmed by the church. There may be fears around your child losing their faith or going to hell. How you need to process may change over time as your child’s sexuality moves from something abstract to something concrete; the difference between hearing your child is bisexual and meeting a same-sex partner.
Adjusting to this part of your child’s life takes time as you have to learn to navigate what you believe, identify how you can support and love your child, and learn what accompaniment looks like. It is a multifaced grieving process that takes time and support, and the church must hold space for this journey.
Recognize the Hardship of Loss of Faith
This question of accompaniment often involves the topic of faith. And for many parents, the fact that their child is no longer or nominally Catholic may be more concerning than their sexuality. When faith is a central part of family life, a child coming out can feel like a rip in the fabric of the family that is unrepairable. But here, I want to challenge families and friends to accompaniment—to buckle up for the long haul.
When someone comes out, it doesn’t mean that they are abandoning their faith; many LGBTQ+ people want to remain and are Catholic. But for those who no longer wish to be Catholic or no longer feel safe in religious spaces, parents still have a critical role. As a Catholic, you have a unique opportunity to model what Christian love looks like to your child, even if they no longer feel connected to the Church. You get to show a kind church that remains present, loves unconditionally, and values relationships over right belief.
Find Spaces to Process
For all parents, there is an immense need to find spaces and places to navigate this. For some, that might be disclosing this to close friends and a spiritual director. For others, that might mean therapy or a support group specific to parents of queer children. Still, others may want to share this openly (with their child’s permission) to help normalize this experience. Whatever way is most helpful, find circles where you can repeatedly process these experiences that are separate from your child. You deserve love and support. And as a church, we can help facilitate safer spaces by considering how we talk about LGBTQ+ issues.
When we demonize the LGBTQ+ experience and aggressively condemn this population, we communicate to this community and their families that we’re not interested in engaging in the long and challenging work of accompaniment. Instead, a church that recognizes the inner critic of parents, the necessary grieving process, and the need to maintain a relationship is one where a genuine Christian community can develop. We can learn how to walk with each other through these complicated relationships on this side of heaven.
A Final Note to Parents
I know parents can accompany their children when there is disagreement because I experience this with my parents. It’s been incredibly challenging on both sides, but I am so grateful that my parents haven’t given up on wanting to be in relationship me after all these years. And to that I say,
Thank you, Mom and Dad, for how you raised and loved me. I’m so grateful for all the good and imperfect ways you are parents to me. You have helped me become the man I am today, and even though we don’t agree on everything, it’s been seeing you both love me and stick by me through the years that I’ve finally come to know what unconditional love looks like. You didn’t raise a gay son. You raised a son who was courageous enough to be honest and open about his experience. You raised a son humble enough to know when he couldn’t hide any longer. And you raised a son who knows God and ardently seeks to do his will. We might disagree on the path I’m on, but I know we’re all on the journey to heaven together. I’m grateful for you both, and I love you so much.
Support Groups for Parents and Families
A Catholic organization focused on education and support for families
Mission: Through accompaniment and bridge-building we seek to celebrate and safeguard the dignity of LGBTQ+ children of God.
A non-denominational, Christian organization that hosts short-term support groups for parents of queer children
Mission: To build bridges between LGBTQ+ individuals, their families, and the church, not in spite of the bible but because of the bible, drawing parents and children into a deeper relationship with each other and vertically with God.
A secular organization with local chapters for parents and families
Mission: PFLAG is the nation’s largest organization dedicated to supporting, educating, and advocating for LGBTQ+ people and those who love them.
Comentários