Is Listening Approval?

I was going back and forth, deciding if I should say something to my friend, but this had been bugging me for a while, so I finally plucked up the courage. Hey, I’m not sure if I’m reading into things, but I’ve noticed that you never ask how things are going with my boyfriend. Is there a reason for that? [Pause] Well, I guess I don’t want to ask about your relationship because I don’t want you to think that I approve of it. This is a response I’ve heard from several Catholics; I’ve also heard it second-hand through stories from queer friends and in response to hypothetical situations I propose to Catholics. And I’ve sat with this for enough time to come to some understanding, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less.

Now I get that there’s discomfort among some Catholics, and while some people will write this off as mere homophobia, I know that there’s something deeper going on: a desire for the other person’s good. My conversation with my friend put him amid an incredibly challenging triad: a desire to adhere to the authority of Catholicism, help someone live in accord with their true identity, and care for the individual. No easy task, right? It feels like we have to choose between loyalty to the Catholic Church and caring for the people. But if we’re going about this within the context of willing someone’s good, why is the response avoidance in many circumstances? When I think of the work of evangelization and cultural transformation, I think of stories of people who engaged and stepped into uncomfortable situations. That’s what Jesus did.

            One afternoon, two people were walking along a road (let’s say to Emmaus). As they walked, they matched pace with a traveler going in the same direction. The mystery traveler hears them talking and arguing about what’s been going on the past few days and invites them to share more. The couple talks about their hurt and disappointment, misconceptions and frustrations, and Jesus doesn’t stop them or make them turn around or send them back to where they are “supposed” to be. Instead, he listened, and when it at last came time for the travelers to stop for the night, Jesus had to be invited in because he was willing to keep walking, to go even further.

            Jesus does share truth with these individuals, but note something here. Despite all of Jesus’ words that afternoon, he doesn’t convince them to return to Jerusalem. When he speaks, it isn’t argumentative or didactic but language that speaks to the heart, and it’s precisely because Jesus spent time listening that he can talk with the couple in a meaningful way. This is how Jesus demonstrates that we don’t have to equate listening with approval. Instead, he models that it’s how we build bridges and foster relationships. It’s dialogue, and it’s engaging people right in the midst of where they’re at. Jesus wasn’t there because these people were going the right way or saying the right things, but because he was there firstly to be with them.

            Mary and Cleopas’s walk with Jesus toward Emmaus was one day; then they turned around. Our time with people on their road to Emmaus is rarely that quick or straightforward. It might be weeks, months, or even years. But if we want to live in the tension of that triad I mentioned before and journey with people, we need to shift our perspective. We don’t remain faithful to authority just by staying in Jerusalem; we remain steadfast when we hold onto the hope of our encounter in the wilderness. We don’t honor someone’s true identity by demanding they live up to an ideal we haven’t reached but by recognizing it is precisely our imperfections that make us most worthy of God’s love. And finally, we cannot care for others if we are not in their lives, and really being in someone’s life means seeing all of it, not just the parts we agree with or want to see.

            Let’s rewrite the narrative around Catholicism and the LGBT community and give ourselves permission to believe that listening isn’t approval but an invitation to journey with someone on the way. Let’s settle in for the long haul.

1. Being Christian is not the result of an ethical choice or a lofty idea, but the encounter with an event, a person, which gives life a new horizon and a decisive direction. Deus Caritas Est Pope Benedict XVI

2. Holiness must be offered and accessible to everyone. One must never confuse holiness with moral perfection realized through human virtues. Any person can aspire to holiness starting with their real situation. The Way of Imperfection Father André Daigneault