Catholics Know How to Befriend LGBT People—Here's Your Reminder How

Why does Catholicism call LGBT people to deep, meaningful friendships but struggle to connect with this community? While I am fortunate to have a handful of Catholics who stuck with me through my coming-out journey, I still faced rejection. Saying that I was gay and deciding to date men seemed to bring up a wall with some people, cutting off meaningful friendships from many faithful Catholics.

The friends that stuck around are proof that we don’t have to be at odds, and what makes these friendships work is a return to the core principles of what friendship is. It’s not based on perfectly aligned theological beliefs but on universal principles that bring people together. To fix the paradox between what Catholicism calls the queer community to and how some Catholics engage with this community, we need to remember what friendship is about, confront assumptions, and challenge ourselves to live out the Church’s call to love well.

What is Friendship?

Friendship is a bond between two individuals where there is mutual enjoyment of the other and a desire for their good. While this dynamic ebbs and flows, there must be overall equality and reciprocity for both people to remain vulnerable and share their lives with each other. In this definition of friendship, shared beliefs help, but shared values are more important. I saw this modeled by my parents growing up. Some of their closest friends were (and still are) people with different religious views, but that didn’t hinder their friendship. The core elements of sharing life, caring for each other, and a healthy dose of fun were present. Catholicism doesn’t hold a monopoly on good friendship; it’s universal and something we can experience with any individual, regardless of their background.

The Challenges of Friendships Between Catholics and LGBTQ Individuals

There are struggles in building friendships with the queer community. People question if listening to queer people is approval, wonder what they can talk about, and both Catholics and LGBTQ people feel like they have to hide parts of themselves when around each other for fear of being judged. It’s a series of voices saying that the differences between these two groups are insurmountable, as my friend sadly experienced.

Sam and Alex met at their Newman Center in college and became close friends. Shortly after college, Sam came out and decided to date men. While Alex was empathetic, their friendship shifted. Not wanting to seem like he approved of Sam’s choices, Alex never asked about Sam’s boyfriend, but Alex shared about his girlfriend. Assuming Sam was leaving his faith, the conversation rarely touched on matters of faith or their prayer life. Over time, both sides increasingly felt discomfort about opening up until what was once a rich and deep friendship turned into something sparse and superficial. But it doesn’t have to be this way.

How We Bridging the Gap: It’s First A Choice

The Catholics I’ve met who build and maintain relationships with LGBTQ individuals all have one thing in common—they believe they can form deep, meaningful friendships with LGBTQ people. These are people who sat me down in coffee shops, in restaurants, on mountains, and on sofas and told me some variation of, Justin—you are my friend. The fact that you’ve come out doesn’t change how I feel about you. I still love you, and I am here to be in your life no matter what. Whoever is important to you, I want to meet because for you to want someone in your life, they must be special. The challenge isn’t our disagreements; it’s learning to love in a new context—here’s how.

Three Practical Steps for Building and Maintaining Friendships

1. Foster Vulnerability. People have to feel safe enough to show up as they are. In LGBT-Catholic friendships, that shared vulnerability is essential. That might not be a perfect one-to-one corollary where you share about going to mass, and they share about church. But it does mean that both people feel comfortable sharing meaningful aspects of their lives. I expect my friend, who’s a Catholic missionary, to talk about her parish and what Jesus is doing in her life. I’m sure she expects me to share if I’ve gone on any dates or the work I’m doing in queer-Catholic spaces. I want to hear about what is important to my friends; I wouldn’t be a very good friend if I didn’t.

2. Listen Without Judgement. Listening doesn’t equal approval, and understanding doesn’t equal agreement. It’s the reason why I can sit and listen to Catholics, and Catholics can sit and listen to me. I want to learn about my friend’s lives and understand what moves them; my life is richer for it. I don’t agree with everything my friends say—Catholic or not—but having them in my life challenges me and broadens my worldview. Friends worth having won’t make every disagreement a debate; they know it just adds to the spice of friendship

3. Focus On Common Ground. Never forget what you have in common. I didn’t become friends with the Catholics I know over our shared sexual ethic. We became friends because of our interests, ease of conversation, and a genuine love for each other. I might disagree with Catholicism on a few points, but that doesn’t stop us from talking about how God’s moving in our lives, what adventures we’ve been on, or what shenanigans we’ve dealt with at work. Remember, you’re both human, and there’s a lot to commiserate over and laugh at as we muddle through life.

The Transformative Power of Friendship

Friendship is powerful, transformative, and universal. Perhaps no institution believes this more fully than the Catholic Church, as it preaches that the solution to the longings of so many LGBTQ individuals is friendship with both God and neighbor. Yet the Church often falls short in its love for this community, but I know many individuals who want to do better. To that, I ask, Are you willing to challenge your assumptions about what friendship with this community looks like? Are you willing to listen? Can you see the good even when you disagree? True friendship challenges us and changes us because loving another person isn’t just something we ought to do—it’s a way we meet God. And if friendship can bridge heaven and earth, it can surely bridge the divide between these two communities.

Photo by Hudson Hintze on Unsplash